The true peculiarity of philosophy lies in the interesting individuality which is the organic shape that Reason has built for itself out of the materials of a particular age. The particular speculative Reason (of a later time) finds in it spirit of its spirit, flesh of its flesh, it intuits itself in it as one and the same and yet as another living being. Every philosophy is complete in itself, and like an authentic work of art, carries the totality within itself. Just as the work of Apelles or Sophocles would not have appeared to Raphael and Shakespeare — had they ever known them — as mere preparatory studies, but as a kindred force of the spirit, so Reason cannot regard its former shapes as merely useful preludes to itself.

— G. W. F. Hegel, The Difference Between Fichte’s and Schelling’s System of Philosophy

I promised myself that I wasn’t going to devolve this column into a series of complaints and recriminations. And now looking back over what I have written in the past several months, I am coming to the conclusion that that is exactly what I have done. It is troubling.

I am having trouble responding to unforeseen setbacks. Something goes wrong – plumbing, a work process, my sense of balance – and I seem unable to compensate adequately or appropriately. This is disturbing, because my very livelihood is predicated on the need for me to step up and solve unforeseen problems when they arise. Because they will arise. They always do.
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It has been approximately a month since I took the battery of neuropsychology tests to help determine if and when and how my injury has affected my ability to do things with my brain. No, I’m not talking about telepathy or pyrokinesis or any such powers. Despite some encouragement to the contrary, those abilities have not manifested. I suspect that they are, in fact, better off inside of a Stephen King novel than my head.

I’m talking about the simultaneously ordinary and amazing things that most human brains do: cognition, perception, emotion, reasoning, language, memory, learning. The big question was: Does Bingo’s brain do these things as well as it did in its premorbid state? I had to read the report a couple times to get past that description, too—premorbid state.

If this experience has taught me anything, it has underlined my belief that psychology is significantly closer to the traditions of divination than those of science as I understand it. Let me pause to mention that I don’t mean to offend any psychologists in the audience. My experience has been that those treating me with a more scientific approach have been considerably more capable in putting my head and life back together than the psychologists. And for that I am more thankful.

For example, at one point I told anyone who would listen that I had severe, recurring headaches. The scientifically-minded took a picture of my brain with a camera they had invented just for that purpose. They found a pool of blood exerting pressure on my frontal lobe. They cut a hole in my skull and siphoned the blood out. The headaches stopped.

The psychology camp asked me to repeat a random series of letters and numbers back to them in alphabetical and numerical order. This did not help. As further evidence against the psychologists I present this item: merely recalling the previously mentioned neuropsychology exams gives me a headache.

So when I went in to get my results on Tuesday, I was not particularly surprised at what they told me. Most of the test results corresponded closely to what I have been able to observe in my day-to-day life. My perception, cognition and problem-solving skills all scored highly—particularly on those tests that were verbally based. There was a small, but repeatable and statistically significant break in these scores when the tests were repeated in a non-verbal manner. This disparity was even more noticeable in the results of the memory tests.
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I’ve been back to work for three weeks. I think things are starting to catch up with me. When I first came back to work, I was excited about the possibility of getting back into the routine of things. I had been out for a long time. But more than that, I had been excited by the promise that I might return to something close to “normal” – the clichéd light at the end of the tunnel.

I think I believed that things were normal, when I came back. At least certainly after I had put the memories of the neuropsychology test battery out of my mind I was doing a pretty good job of thinking I has recovered completely.

I don’t think I can still say that. More and more, I am noticing the types of symptoms about which my doctors and therapists had talked to me at length. In most of the cases the symptoms do not seem to be having a strong effect on my day-to-day life. But they are there. I am aware of them. Memory problems, headaches, lack of attention, contending with large amounts of stimuli, fatigue, anger, and anomia: these things are with me, now.

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So as it turns out – and you might have gleaned from the title of this entry – the test I took on Tuesday was not the Halstead-Reitan test. After doing all the get-to-know-you parts of the interview before the test, my psychologist asked me if I had any questions about the test. So I took the opportunity to ask him if that was, in fact, what was going on. He laughed a little bit. I think I caught him off guard with the question as he responding by asking whether I had done research on the subject or something. I admitted that I had, and that was the name that kept coming up and seemed to fit the description I had been given by my therapists.

He set me straight. It turns out that the Halstead-Reitan test was developed almost fifty years ago with the goal of determining where in the brain injury or disease damage might have occurred. At the time, this was a useful thing to know and there were few non-intrusive ways to determine it. Now most neurologists rely on CT and MRI scans to do that work for them – more quickly and more accurately. There are still psychologists who see the Halstead-Reitan test as ‘the one true test’ (his words, not mine), but most psychologists have moved away from it to concern themselves with working on behaviors and skills rather than focusing on what is basically a medical diagnosis. What these psychologists find important is determining problems with cognition or memory, recognition or attention. My psychologist understandably found himself firmly in that latter camp: I don’t need to know where the injury is; what I need to know is how it affects his life. My life, as it turns out.

In the end, he conceded that some of the tests I was to take had been derived from the Halstead-Reitan battery. Of course, he did not tell me which ones.

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Today is my second day back at the office. I came in and worked a full day on Friday, had the weekend off and am now back today. I won’t be back in until Wednesday, however. Tomorrow I will spend most of the day talking with neuropsychologists and completing the Halstead-Reitan Neuropsychological Test Battery. Yeah. Six hours of testing to make sure that my brain works correctly.

The pessimistic side of me is looking at this test battery and saying to myself, “No good news can come of this.” I mean I’m already back at work and doing pretty well with that. I’ve made some good strides in the other areas. I haven’t seen anything overly strange with respect to my reasoning ability or general cognition. I have noticed an increase in anomia — difficulty in finding the right words or names – and am working to rectify that as best I can. But that is really about it as far as the things the test is looking at goes.

The optimistic side of me looks at the test and says to myself, “Well, at least we’ll know and be able to maybe treat it or at least work around it more easily.” For example, if the test were to show that I had suffered a loss in my ability to concentrate or my short term memory, my therapists explained that I might teach myself ways to work around that – writing things down and the like.

I’m still grappling with what has happened to me. At the same time I get angry about the damage, the strange behaviors – the missing days! – the same time I get angry about that, I struggle to try and understand what it means for me moving forward.

I just want things back the way they were before. – And I know that’s something I can’t have.