Steph here. John K. suggested we live blog the Oscars this year and since I’ve never live blogged, I thought it seemed like an interesting thing to do. So, here goes. The Oscars 2009.

All times listed below are Central Standard Time (CST), because that’s our territory.

6:59pm: The sound just went out on our television, so this has potential to be the quietest Oscar eve… oh, there, it’s back. Disaster averted.

7:00pm: Robin Roberts informs us that “the excitement is starting on the red carpet,” so I prepare appropriately by fluffing my pillow. She and Tim Gunn are hosting this embarrassment.

First up, Kate Winslet. Her hair looks pretty cool – nice and sleek. The dress is gray and I’m reminded of elephants, which I like. So, I guess that means I like her dress. She’s thankful she’s not tripping. Sadly, I wish I was.

Josh Brolin and Diane Lane, both in black – though not her eye or anything, so thanks for that, Josh.

Nice red dress, Amy Adams! Men dig red. But, what the f*@k is with that necklace??? She looks like she has a bejeweled shock collar on.

My goodness, Matthew Broderick has gone all gray in the hair. Matthew and Sarah Jessica Parker look like they can’t stand being within a 100 mile radius of one another.

Taraji P. Hensen is all excitable and jittery, so much so she’s nearly bursting from her dress.

Ok, this is funny. This Gunn guy isn’t going to let Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie blow him off ala Ryan Seacrest at the Globes. Gunn is literally sprinting after them. Ok, he’s hooked his claw around Angelina Jolie’s toothpick arm and is trying to drag her into the shot. She looks like she wants to spit on him. Brad just looks dazed. I think Angelina must taze him right before they get out of the limo at these shindigs — he always looks nearly unconscious. Aaaand it’s over. Anyway, the inside of her nostrils looked dazzling – that’s all I saw.

Awwww…. here’s all the Slumdog people. I can’t help but like these guys and I hope they have a great nigh … JEEZEY CREEZEY, that Slumdog girl’s deep blue, flowey dress is gorgeous. God, I love the Indian skin tone. Where was I? Eh, fergit it.

Oh, now Mickey Rourke is talking about his dog dying and I’m tearing up. He’s wearing a necklace with the chihuahua’s picture on it, awww. I was rooting for Mickey anyway, but now I will have to light my thigh on fire if he doesn’t win. For his dog. All for his dog.

Susan Downey is Robert Downey’s date for, according to RDJ, “the rest of this current incarnation.” Er, I guess that’s romantic? Or it would be if he didn’t look completely pissed off, not sure what that’s about.

This totally drugged out woman in gold tells the interviewer she just took “homeopathic stress tabs from Whole foods.” It looks like her date is actually having to holding her aloft.

BRB, gotta go hit Whole Foods.

Back. Ahhhh…better now.

Miley Cyrus is very sparkly. She looks like she’s wearing a 5 year-old’s ballet costume from a small town production of “The Nutcracker.” She’s chirping and I am zoning out.

Montage: Accountants. Exciting music. For accountants. Roberts and Gunn try to do a spirited run down of what the accountants from blurbeedeeblurdebeeblur are wearing and the two schlubs do a tandem spin turn. God, I bet accountants all over America are hiding their heads in shame – so embarrassed for them.

Penelope Cruise wants to have a, “thinz adventure on theez vedy beeg night.” I love her accent and I, too, would like a thinz adventure.

Jack Black to Gunn, (skeptical): “Is it really your dream to be interviewing me?”

Gunn (sadly): “Yes.”

7:30pm: And we’re off. The Oscars begin now.

I just can’t picture how Hugh Jackman is going to pull this off. To his credit, he doesn’t look the least bit nervous. However, I gotta say that I think he’s playing up his Australian accent, probably realizing that Americans will forgive a lot of failure if you have a funny or charming accent.

Sean’s laughing at something I missed. Curse you, live blogging!!

Oh no. Nononono. A musical number about all the best pictures. Hugh now singing to Kate Winslet, who looks as comfortable as any woman who some dude decides to sing to – read that: not at all.

Hugh pulls Anne Hathaway on stage and they do a stupid little set up thing. This has lasted more than five minutes now. Why…oh why?

Jesus pleasus, The Reader portion of this waste of time musical interlude is freaking awkward. I don’t even know what to say. I think Hugh Jackman just sang that he has ovaries, but I’m not sure.

Thank God, it’s over. People are giving Jackman a standing ovation. I bet the director of the Oscars is glad he invested in those shock wired seats.

Jackman is now talking to Mickey Rourke, who looks like he’s squeezing his cheeks in an attempt to keep his dentures from poping out. Awkward.

Angelina and Brad are this year’s Front Row Jack (speaking of, where is Jack Nicholson?) and…hey, wait a sec — is Angelina wearing those jewelry-shaped lifesavers we had when I was a kid? Lime, no less?? I’m hoping Brad gets the munchies during the broadcast.

7:48pm: Ok, wtf?? First a stupid musical number, then some ego-masturbation of the front row celebs and NOW a montage too?? Jesus, are they going to let any editors or writers on stage to accept their awards tonight?

Best Supporting Actress Five previous best supporting actresses announce this year’s best supporting actresses. Tilda Swinton looks like an alien (Sean’s comment, I agree). Eve Marie Saint is wooden. Angelica Huston Rocks, as usual. Whoopi is stand-up excellence. And yikes, when did Goldie Hawn’s sunny smile turn into a rictus of terror (botox)? “Bleh, what happened to her boobs??” Sean says. I dunno, but I suspect they’ve been resituated to make her new chin.

Winner, according to the Alien: “Penelope Cruise (Vicky Cristina Barcelona).”

“Haz anybodies ever fented ere?” — “Some of de mos bootiful rrrrolls for the wimmens.” — “I theenk ju from my cart.” — “unity for de werld, todos los espanos excllente muchisma de carro del taco enchilata, theenk ju bery mucho.”

Good speech, supreme accent. Next?

7:52: Steve Martin and Tina Fey — bonus! Presenting, of course, for screenplay. Wow, did they just pull off a very NICE Scientology dig?!? Holy shit. I hope Tom Cruise is stamping his tiny little feet in anger somewhere.

Dustin Lance Black wins Best Original Screenplay for MILK, which I misheard as MILF. I should have read the nominee sheet before I told John I would do this. Aw well. Dustin Lance Black is giving a nice political speech and I’m shocked to shit that the orchestra isn’t playing him off. Good on ya, orchestra.

7:58: Another Tina and Steve bit, classic.

And….it’s Slumdog Milliionaire for Best Adapted Screenplay. I like dogs, poor or not, so good for them.

Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black announcing the animation awards and they seem pretty stiff. Wall-E! Loved this flick and there’s no fricking way it doesn’t win. Pixar = Oscar.

Nuts, another montage — 2008 animated films. Are these movies nominated? What’s going on? Jesus, they’ve lost me. Lame.

8:06pm: A shock! Unbelievable! Didn’t see it coming! Wall-E wins Best Animated Feature ! Out of nowhere, underdog takes it, who saw it coming, surprise of the night, an amazing upset. Next?

Animated shorts. Snobby French animation. Creepy black and white bathroom animation. Octopus animation. Magician and bunny animation. Undertaker animation. Best Animated Short: Kunio Kato for La Maison En Petits Cubes.

Ok, I’m really happy for this guy – it’s a sweet moment. He barely speaks English and ballparks the end of his speech with “Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto!” Class, class move Mr. Kato. He’s my new best friend.

8:14pm: Art Direction. Sarah Jessica comes out to present with Daniel Craig and almost lands on her can when she steps on the hem of her dress. Prat fall diverted by fancy Sarah Jessica footwork. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button wins Best Art Direction.

8:22pm: Is the sound a bit off on this broadcast? It seems echo-y, like Sarah Jessica and Daniel are talking through a vacuum tube. Hmm. Maybe it’s just these homeopathic stress tabs.

The Duchess wins Best Costume Design. The guy (Michael O’Connor) accepting the award immediately points out that the orchestra played a song not at all related to his movie as he walked up. Amazingly, the orchestra doesn’t get passive-aggressive and play him off before he can give his speech.

Benjamin Button wins Best Makeup. The guy (Greg Cannom) accepting the award starts to thank people auctioneer-style and I’m bored.

8:26pm:The kid from Twilight and the chick from the creepy Mormon multiple marriage show on HBO get up to introduce ANOTHER montage — on love. They suck, the montage sucks and I feel no love.

You know what, something just occurred to me. Is John even LIVE BLOGGING THIS?? I have this sneaking suspicion he is not and this was all an elaborate plan to trick me into doing it – but can’t check because I have to keep up. Tricksy John. If he isn’t live blogging this, I swear to God, I will end him.

Hugh is back and he’s just said he’s going to shoot something, woot! Oh, *sigh*, he’s doing the intro for cinematography, dang. Some chick’s voice abruptly comes BOOMING out of the sky to introduce Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller. Yikes, startling! Has she been talking this whole time and someone finally turned her mike on?

8:31pm: Ben is wearing a fake beard and everyone is laughing. Fake beard = really fricking funny, I guess. I must be missing something. OH … I bet he is doing a send-up of Joaquin Phoenix! Is that it? Am I getting it?? No one is even paying attention to the nominations because Stiller is totally scene-hogging. I hope one of the cinematographers shivs him.

Slumdog wins Best Cinematography and I’m suddenly concerned Slumdog might get dicked out of the the big awards in return for all these little ones.

Dude, this cinematographer (Anthony Dod Mantle) has some very, very weird hair. He says his new policy from now on is to thank everyone. I think his new policy should be finding a new barber.

8:39pm: Jessica Biel comes out to talk about, her words, “Sci-tech thingamajigs.” Jesus, she’s so vapid. Apparently, she hosted the tech awards and I suddenly feel sorry for all those poor, brilliant tech people who had to sit through her ruining their big night. They should have whipped together a robot and replaced her insides with it. Hmm, her vacant eyes make me wonder if they actually did…

8:42pm: Ooooo, a James Franco and Seth Rogen pre-filmed bit! Hee hee…god they are awesome. Total stoner humor. Honestly, this is brilliant. It’s a montage AND it’s brilliant — I can’t believe I am saying this! They even have a funny cinematographer side-kick. I’ve always wanted a funny cinematographer side-kick! Best moment of the night so far.

James Franco, Seth Rogen and the cinematographer (incidentally, the first cinematographer ever allowed to walk amongst the Hollywood Gods to present an award) come out to present Best Live Action Short. There’s a pig film — that’s got my vote!!!

Franco completely messes up the name as he reads the winner and I still don’t know if the pig won. FRICK, it BETTER BE THE PIG!!!!

8:44pm: This guy is halfway through his speech but it’s in german (?) and I still don’t know if the freaking pig won. I’m about to Hulk-out, here!

The winner is leaving the stage. Did the PIG win? What’s going on? Jesus. *mutter*

Sean uses his Gift of German Speakiness to translate the guy’s speech and informs me the nazis won and the pig lost (Best Live Action Short: Toyland (Spielzeugland)). A Sad Day.

Hugh Jackman is back and talking about … FRICK he’s FRICKING SINGING AGAIN!!! What the hell?!? They are doing a Broadway show musical montage for what reason exactly? This is the Oscars, not the Tony awards. Oh great, and now here’s Beyonce. What freaking gives?!? This is, seriously, the most random Oscar musical montage I’ve ever witnessed.

How did someone even pitch this? “Ok, so I know we ALWAYS worry about the time issue, so I have an idea!! Let’s do a 7 minute musical montage of songs completely irrelevant to the 2008 awards, or even the movies in general and let’s put it RIGHT in the CENTER of the broadcast!!”

Ok, this is just weird. Now we are watching a montage of past speeches, which is, of course, wasting broadcast time that would have been given to the speeches of people who are ACTUALLY WINNING AN AWARD tonight, who are, of course, going to be musically escorted off the stage mid-speech and that is just such a tra…hey, Joel Grey!!!

9:06pm: Ok, I’m not liking this five previous actor winners heaping praises on the five nominated actors format they’ve gone with this year. However, that said, I do like the five up on the stage now: Kevin Kline, Christopher Walken, Alan Arkin, Joel Grey and Cuba Gooding Jr. (well, I like four). *sigh* Man, this is a lot of Hollywood ego masturbation, but whatevs.

Heath Ledger wins this one or I cut off my left pinky toe.

Heath Ledger wins Best Supporting Actor, of course. Who is going to accept the award, I wonder? Father, mother, sister file up to the podium. Pan to audience. Sean Penn looks like he is bawling — did he even know Heath Ledger? Weird. Brad Pitt is crying now. Adrian Brody is crying. Mom’s talking now. Sir Ben Kingsley is crying. What is it with all the shots of male stars crying? Do women not cry? Are emotionally fragile women not important? Do they not please the Hollywood establ….oh, there’s Anne Hathaway crying. Phew.

Montage. Grrrrrr…….

Documentaries!! My favorite!! Bill Maher presents and makes a joke about all the crying. Good for Maher. Gray Gardens gets a shout-out! Good doc. Bill takes a risk, plugs his own movie and dicks on religion. He’s my newest best friend.

I love this part! Documentary makers always make the best speeches. I can’t wait. Man on Wire wins Best Documentary Feature.

Man in Scarf sprints down the aisle to accept the award then rapid-fires some heavily accented english-speak, makes a coin disappear and balances his Oscar on his chin. Did I NOT just SAY the freaking DOC MAKERS RULE THE SPEECHES?!?

The broadcast’s directors don’t even bother doing a montage for the doc shorts, but Smile Pinki wins Best Documentary Short. Guess they needed the space to do the irrelevant Broadway musical montage earlier — good call.

9:22pm: Um, a montage about speeding cars. Man. I’m glad they got this in here! This is fricking awesome. They should just cut documentaries out of the broadcast completely so they can get some more of these phenomenal montages in. Do montages of the montages and then a musical number of the montaged montages. Luvs it.

Asshats.

9:26pm: Will Smith joins the show and looks to be presenting multiple effects and editing awards. Visual effects first. I’m hoping for Iron Man on this one, to be honest. If it doesn’t win, I’ll cut my other little toe off.

Benjamin Button wins Best Visual Effects. Shite. Oh well, technically there’s no use for the small toe anyway, except, of course, for its spectacular stubbing quality.

Sound award, which Will Smith completely blubbermouths, heh. I’ll pick Wall-E and if it doesn’t win, I’ll peel all the fingernails off my left ha…

Dark Knight wins Best Sound Editing.

aw crap. *sigh* BRB.

Jinkies. Hard to type now.

Sound mixing. Um, I’m going to stop self-mutilating, but honestly, Wall-E should have this in the ba… Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Sound Mixing. oy.

Aw, but the guy accepting this award is cute as a Benjamin button. I’m sold. Go, Slumdog!

DRAMA! Blogcrash! Message follows:

Goshdarnit!
Something has gone wrong with our servers. It’s probably Matt’s fault.
We’ve just been notified of the problem.
Hopefully this should be fixed ASAP, so kindly reload in a minute andthings should be back to normal.

Fortunately, I have a network man at my side and he suggests I open a notepad to continue blogging until the problem resolves. What would I do without Net Man?!? *sigheyefluttersigh*

John just said I was a much better live blogger than he is. SCORE. I get X-Box achievement points for that, right?

Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Film Editing. Okay, I’m really, really worried they are giving Slumdog all of the editing/sound/etc… awards so they can give the best picture/director award to something more, well, Brad Pitt-ish.

9:42pm: Jerry Lewis is getting the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award. I’m sure all of the gay men and women (I’m sorry, in Jerry’s words, “the illiterate faggots”) of the world agree with this award. Humanitarian. Good pick.

9:45pm: Oh no. Jackman’s back and he’s talking about score. If he sings, I’ll peel the nails off my, oh shoot, I did that already. Ok, he’s not singing, so fergit it. Orchestra is playing stuff and I’m taking a pee break.

Back. They are still playing music. Blast and Damn.

Phew, finally the presenters are walking out. Alicia Keys reads the entire thing while her co-presenter, Zach Efron (Enron?), stands stiffly next to her, completely silent and blinking out some sort of code with his eyelids. He’s either completely nervous or he’s animatronic. Oh, ok. Keys just wheeled him off stage. Mystery solved.

8:02pm: Sean told me that Peter Gabriel pulled out of the Oscar telecast when they told him he had to do an abbreviated version of his Wall-E song (so that they could squeeze more montages in). Let’s see what happens in this lovely musical medley of this years best songs.

Wow, ok, he made it and, well, Peter Gabriel has really … he looks good, slimmer. Or something. Can’t quite put a finger on it. He looks radically different. Well, good for him for showing.

They start in with the Slumdog music and I prepare for a trip down the rabbit hole. I can’t COUNT the number of times I’ve ended up transfixed by Bollywood musicals at 3am on Star India Plus. I’ve lost days of my life.

Best Original Song and Best Original Score go to Slumdog.

The tall and ever captivating Liam Neeson steps on to the stage. Excellent. He announces the foreign language films thusly, “Germany: Terror. France: Assimilation. Japan: Death. Austria: Crime. Isreal: War.”

Wow, the rest of the world is a totally depressed. Departures from Yojiro Takita wins Best Foreign Language Film and the director’s speech completely melts my cold, dead heart. He’s my new best friend.

10:12pm: Oh! The Dead People Montage – King of Montages! Queen Latifa intros…and sings. WTF?? Why the hell is this so broadcast so singy? Oscars! Not Grammys. Not Tonys. OSCARS!

Ok, dead people montage: Bernie Mac, Harold Pinter…

Steph: Wait, wait, wait, back it up… I missed it.
Sean: Bernie Mac, Harold Pinter, Michael Crich….
Steph: Feh, Michael Crichton. He convinced half the world Global Warming didn’t actually exist.
Sean: But, he also put laser beams on gorillas.
Steph: Oh. yeah. I take that back.

Michael Crichton, Roy Scheider, Richard Widmark, Isaac Hayes, Ricardo Montalban, Paul Scofield, James Whitmore, Sydney Pollack, Paul Newman. No Heath repeat. I gotta say that’s a good move.

Ok, on we go. I hear a busy, buzzy worker-bee voice so that must mean Reese Witherspoon is presenting something.

10:19pm: Best Director. Man, I dig Ron Howard. He just seems so freaking jolly and non-Hollywood to me. Best Director goes to Danny Boyle (Slumdog).

Wow, I was wrong! Slumdog is going to take home some of the big prizes! Danny Boyle does a little dance AND mentions Tigger from Winnie the Pooh in his opening! WTG. I’m happy for them and probably should see the movie. And now he’s crediting a guy he accidentally left off the credits. Nice going, dude! Danny Boyle is my new best friend.

10:32pm: Best actress. I sense someone shaking like a chihuahua and completely breaking down in front of the 4 people still watching in our future. My goodness, what’s with the huge dress in the middle?

Shirley MacLaine intros Anne Hathaway, who is holding her heart and looking all fake-sappy. Ick. Marion Cotillard does her bit and manages to totally peg the sycophantic tones made famous by James Lipton. Halle Berry is in the huge, attention-grabbing skirt – go fig. Ok, seriously, tomorrow, if a bunch of talking heads claim there’s not a man alive who wouldn’t sleep with Sophia Loren, I’m gonna call foul. She looks great for her age, but come on. Finally, The Giant Forehead (Nicole Kidman) sings the praises of La Jolie, who looks smug.

Kate Winslet (The Reader) wins Best Actress and I’m hoping she holds it together because I actually like her. Air kisses all around…getting to the mike…more air kisses. Wow, ok, Kate’s actually holding it together. Wait, she’s hyperventilating. Nono, she’s up again. Her dad whistles and she waves. It’s really actually cool. Kate Winslet is my new best friend.

Damn, she’s listing people like an auctioneer. It was a friendship I’ll never forget, Kate, but everything has it’s time. (sad horns)

10:41pm: Useless montage. I’m just shocked they are making this year’s winners rush through speeches so they can do three minute montages of speeches the orchestra played-off from past years. It’s all so odd.

Five actors file out to present the best actor award. I say Sean Penn wins this AND I say he slips in something political that makes the Oscar producers flip their shit. He’s intro’d by De Niro. I kind of hope Richard Jenkins wins this, because I think he’s so class, however, he will not. Does Mickey Rourke have a chance at this, do you think? Sir Ben Kingsley thinks he does and I’m suddenly sold. Screw Penn. If Mickey Rourke doesn’t win, I’ll cut my right ovary out with a pen knife. For his dog.

Sean Penn (MILK) wins best actor. Frick. Oh well, I’m too old to produce viable offspring anyway.

Cue Oscar producers flipping their shit. Penn starts out by calling everyone “Commie, homo-loving, Sons-a-guns…” Guess I was right about one thing. He’s talking about signs of hatred on the way into the Oscars tonight and the ban on gay marriage. Way to go, Penn. Here he goes onto a plug for Obama. He’s full-on politicogasming! WTG, Spicoli!

10:49pm: Spielberg comes out to announce best pic and it couldn’t come too soon, I’m actually starting to fall asleep. Sean and I, for once, haven’t seen ANY of the best pics and they all look fantastic. It’s on the to-do list. I think it’ll be Slumdog.

Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Picture. Good for them. Seriously. 40 people on stage. I hope to GOD they break into a musical number. Or a montage. It’s been awhile.

So, that’s it. I gotta go clean the cat box now. Happy Oscar night to all and Congrats Slumdog – you look like a good flick and I can’t wait to see you!

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